i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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