mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
