Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
