I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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