just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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