I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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