I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
