somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
did you just send me my own nude
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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