Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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