remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
