Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
