I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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