Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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