you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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