This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
