'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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