New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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