I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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