Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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