If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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