can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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