Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
