Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
