No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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