hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
