Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
