I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
