he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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