When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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