Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
