what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
