so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just cropdusted the office
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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