he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
