God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
