I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want to walk on stilts...naked
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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