Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
