I am spending my child support on dildos
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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