I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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