I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
