You're earring is so big in my mouth
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
