The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
