carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
