took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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