Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
