PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
