who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
