I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
