just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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