I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
