we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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