wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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