Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
