Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
