just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
