I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
