I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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