I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
