i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
