I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
